It could be said that I don't believe in God.
Of course, those of you who do may have already shied away from this post... but if I can ask you, no, beg you to sit a while and read what I have to say, you might realize that our beliefs are hardly different. Or, maybe they are quite different. Either way, free will has led me to question the existence of (G/g)od(s).
I'm no Atheist. Sure, I've doubted that we are more than just evolved apes before. Let's be honest...however small or unlikely it may be, we COULD just stop existing when we die.
That's what always scares me the most about death...the thought that at any moment, I just won't exist and won't even realize it is possibly one of the most terrifying things imaginable.
For a while there, I looked at it this way: If there is an all-powerful being out there that IS everything and can DO ANYTHING, and loves us all unconditionally...why does my life suck so much?
I mean seriously, God. REALLY? Out of my Immediate family, there is ONE person who doesn't have some sort of major health problem. Why? Why can't we all be healthy? Isn't life hard enough without having to fight to stay alive every day?
And why is there NEVER enough? Not enough money, not enough food, not enough room. If there is an all knowing, all seeing God...Why can't he see that we need help?
Even now, I'm having a hard time grasping that. But then I realize... if God is in everything, isn't God in us?
THERES the shocker right THURRR.
See, if God is in us, then we all have a little bit of God. Only it isn't God. It's the same energy that keeps the trees growing and the earth spinning. So....if we all have that energy within us, whose to say that we can't use it?
Some people pray. Others manifest. What's the difference? Manifesting IS praying. SO WHATS THE BIG DEAL ABOUT RELIGION?!
GRR. If you think about it, all major religions have the same general outline.
WELL. Ive been writing this forever and I don't think I can write more on it without rambling. I'm open to all questions and ideas.
LOVE YOU ALL.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Monday, October 19, 2009
Here's the Scoop...
Like a triple-decker multi-flavored sorbet on a waffle cone.
I have been so busy within the last month that I haven't even had the time to function like a normal human being, let alone write a new blog.
However, there's a time for all things, and this blog's time is NOW.
Looks like my last post was over a month ago...ouch. Lets cover that, shall we?
My mom and I drove through Idaho to pick up a new dog--a Border Collie which we have named Hugo. He is adorable and I love him.
I also have a job, serving Chinese food at Panda Express. Come buy some orange chicken from me!
But the last month or so, I have been engulfed by the loss of another Bestie. Jessica moved to Seattle for UW. So, for the last month or so, I have been pretty down. It could be just that, or a mixture of various things, but I definitely haven't felt like myself lately.
I have a plan. I go to SFCC for two years (roughly), then apply to as many other colleges as I can. Hopefully, I will then move to Seattle to continue my schooling.
School, work, sleep.
Wash, rinse, repeat.
There will be some room for play, life, theatre and so on... but I feel like my plan isn't good enough. I feel like if I could die at any minute, what am I doing HERE? Why am I not saying "To Hell with social norms!", moving to Seattle right now and not caring what happens, as long as I can get to where I WANT to be?
I've also been having a lot of weird, disjointed thoughts about life, spirituality and the existence of human beings in general.
Heavy stuff, I know, which is why I've officially kicked that topic into a whole other post, which I will post separately, in case some people don't want to read it ;).
So, this post is rather long all of a sudden, isn't it?
I'll post again soon. Go read my story and review! Its under a second blog on my profile (Insanity). If you read, I'll post more. Therefore, I will write more.
LAHVE <3
I have been so busy within the last month that I haven't even had the time to function like a normal human being, let alone write a new blog.
However, there's a time for all things, and this blog's time is NOW.
Looks like my last post was over a month ago...ouch. Lets cover that, shall we?
My mom and I drove through Idaho to pick up a new dog--a Border Collie which we have named Hugo. He is adorable and I love him.
I also have a job, serving Chinese food at Panda Express. Come buy some orange chicken from me!
But the last month or so, I have been engulfed by the loss of another Bestie. Jessica moved to Seattle for UW. So, for the last month or so, I have been pretty down. It could be just that, or a mixture of various things, but I definitely haven't felt like myself lately.
I have a plan. I go to SFCC for two years (roughly), then apply to as many other colleges as I can. Hopefully, I will then move to Seattle to continue my schooling.
School, work, sleep.
Wash, rinse, repeat.
There will be some room for play, life, theatre and so on... but I feel like my plan isn't good enough. I feel like if I could die at any minute, what am I doing HERE? Why am I not saying "To Hell with social norms!", moving to Seattle right now and not caring what happens, as long as I can get to where I WANT to be?
I've also been having a lot of weird, disjointed thoughts about life, spirituality and the existence of human beings in general.
Heavy stuff, I know, which is why I've officially kicked that topic into a whole other post, which I will post separately, in case some people don't want to read it ;).
So, this post is rather long all of a sudden, isn't it?
I'll post again soon. Go read my story and review! Its under a second blog on my profile (Insanity). If you read, I'll post more. Therefore, I will write more.
LAHVE <3
Friday, September 4, 2009
Summer Shenanigans...
There are no words.
None.
ZERO.
To describe the summer I've had.
If I was to pick the ultimate summer of my life thus far, that would be it.
Its been a while since I posted, so I'll run through what made it awesome.
On Jessica's Birthday, after a HARRY POTTER SURPRISE BIRTHDAY PARTY coordinated by yours truly and Lauren, we traveled to the Kincaid's Condo in Sandpoint, Idaho.
We had a lazy day, then had a treasure hunt of sorts, provided by Jessica's parents, and ended the day on a SEA PLANE!
IT.WAS.SO.COOL.
And THEN, the weekend before last, I travelled with Jess, Lauren and Janice to Seattle, where we stayed with Laur's cousin. Seattle in itself is awesome, indeed, but for this particular trip, there was a method to our madness. The night we arrived, we attended a Flaming Lips concert. It was amazing. One of the most amazing experiences of my life so far, actually. And, of course, that night was a party in itself.
=).
The NEXT day, we went to Pike Place a few times, and ended the evening with a Daft Punk Laser Light show.
:o.
If you've ever seen a laser light show, particularly after partying for a couple of hours, I think you'll understand.
JUDAS PRIEST IS +1!
So, after returning to Spokane, the girls and I had a very relaxing week... up until Thursday, that is, when we left for another adventure! We drove to Bonner's Ferry, Idaho, arriving after dark. In the dark, with the clever use of headlamps and legs, we hiked a mile or two uphill to our first destination; Pyramid Lake. Deciding it was much too late to set up a tent, we rolled out our sleeping bags and fell asleep looking at the stars.....OF WHICH THERE WERE MORE THAN FIFTY!
(Pyramid Lake)
(Pyramid Lake from the top of the mountain)
The next day we packed up and hiked around the lake and over a mountain to reach Ball Lake. It was BEAUTIFUL. We spent two days there, eating reconstituted eggs and not showering. Yum.
(Ball Lake)
Finally, the last day of our trip, we hiked all the way from Ball Lake, past Pyramid lake and back to the car. Despite the long distance it was downhill almost all of the way, and we reached the car only a few hours after setting out.
And now that all of my summer adventures are over, everything feels... sort of melancholy. I'm just waiting for the next big adventure. :)
None.
ZERO.
To describe the summer I've had.
If I was to pick the ultimate summer of my life thus far, that would be it.
Its been a while since I posted, so I'll run through what made it awesome.
On Jessica's Birthday, after a HARRY POTTER SURPRISE BIRTHDAY PARTY coordinated by yours truly and Lauren, we traveled to the Kincaid's Condo in Sandpoint, Idaho.
We had a lazy day, then had a treasure hunt of sorts, provided by Jessica's parents, and ended the day on a SEA PLANE!
IT.WAS.SO.COOL.
And THEN, the weekend before last, I travelled with Jess, Lauren and Janice to Seattle, where we stayed with Laur's cousin. Seattle in itself is awesome, indeed, but for this particular trip, there was a method to our madness. The night we arrived, we attended a Flaming Lips concert. It was amazing. One of the most amazing experiences of my life so far, actually. And, of course, that night was a party in itself.
=).
The NEXT day, we went to Pike Place a few times, and ended the evening with a Daft Punk Laser Light show.
:o.
If you've ever seen a laser light show, particularly after partying for a couple of hours, I think you'll understand.
JUDAS PRIEST IS +1!
So, after returning to Spokane, the girls and I had a very relaxing week... up until Thursday, that is, when we left for another adventure! We drove to Bonner's Ferry, Idaho, arriving after dark. In the dark, with the clever use of headlamps and legs, we hiked a mile or two uphill to our first destination; Pyramid Lake. Deciding it was much too late to set up a tent, we rolled out our sleeping bags and fell asleep looking at the stars.....OF WHICH THERE WERE MORE THAN FIFTY!
(Pyramid Lake)
(Pyramid Lake from the top of the mountain)
The next day we packed up and hiked around the lake and over a mountain to reach Ball Lake. It was BEAUTIFUL. We spent two days there, eating reconstituted eggs and not showering. Yum.
(Ball Lake)
Finally, the last day of our trip, we hiked all the way from Ball Lake, past Pyramid lake and back to the car. Despite the long distance it was downhill almost all of the way, and we reached the car only a few hours after setting out.
And now that all of my summer adventures are over, everything feels... sort of melancholy. I'm just waiting for the next big adventure. :)
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
"La Vie" Blog?
This morning, after having a pretty excellent and relaxing but late night, I woke up calmly and quietly. After I spent a little time waking up, I made my way to the kitchen and cleaned up. As I did the dishes, I immediately felt at peace and alive. For the first time in a long time, I was happy to just…be. There is something extremely peaceful about an empty house in the morning.
After I finished the dishes, my good mood wasn’t spent. I put on a pot of coffee while I showered, then jumped out of the bathroom to Jessica being up and about.
Eventually, my mom came home and we all drank some coffee and sat in the newly cleaned kitchen. Jessica and I walked to Hi-Co, and then spent 20 minutes reading The Inlander in the shop over drinks and Almond-Poppy seed muffins.
Upon returning to my house, I called Lyndsey, who soon joined our party. I had the privilege to meet her adoptive mother before we sped off, as wild teenage girls are wont to do. We hung out while I cleaned the living room and discussed how our summers had gone thus far.
Our conversation took a turn for the better; we had all picked up on what this summer seemed to be about. Transformation. The three of us have felt like, and can see, how we need change in our lives, and that we are the only people that can control the change.
So, when Jessica goes to college, and Lyndsey goes to Virginia, the three of us plan to instigate a new change in our lives, be it the way we think, or speak, or live in general. Everyone needs some change, once in a while, but that’s not our entire plan. The three of us are going to document our change in the form of a giant scrapbook which encompasses all three of our transformations.
How will we pull it off? I have no idea. Will we pull through? I can only hope so.
I plan on changing almost everything, from the way I eat to my self esteem, as well as everything in between. What are my tools, you ask? No tools. No guides. No rules. Just a question:
Who do I want to be and how can I get there?
Now, I’m not saying I’m going to change who I am completely. But I do need to figure out how I can be myself healthily and happily, instead of this day-to-day battle that I’ve been living.
So here you are. The summer of transformation may be over, but I’m still in the cocoon.
After I finished the dishes, my good mood wasn’t spent. I put on a pot of coffee while I showered, then jumped out of the bathroom to Jessica being up and about.
Eventually, my mom came home and we all drank some coffee and sat in the newly cleaned kitchen. Jessica and I walked to Hi-Co, and then spent 20 minutes reading The Inlander in the shop over drinks and Almond-Poppy seed muffins.
Upon returning to my house, I called Lyndsey, who soon joined our party. I had the privilege to meet her adoptive mother before we sped off, as wild teenage girls are wont to do. We hung out while I cleaned the living room and discussed how our summers had gone thus far.
Our conversation took a turn for the better; we had all picked up on what this summer seemed to be about. Transformation. The three of us have felt like, and can see, how we need change in our lives, and that we are the only people that can control the change.
So, when Jessica goes to college, and Lyndsey goes to Virginia, the three of us plan to instigate a new change in our lives, be it the way we think, or speak, or live in general. Everyone needs some change, once in a while, but that’s not our entire plan. The three of us are going to document our change in the form of a giant scrapbook which encompasses all three of our transformations.
How will we pull it off? I have no idea. Will we pull through? I can only hope so.
I plan on changing almost everything, from the way I eat to my self esteem, as well as everything in between. What are my tools, you ask? No tools. No guides. No rules. Just a question:
Who do I want to be and how can I get there?
Now, I’m not saying I’m going to change who I am completely. But I do need to figure out how I can be myself healthily and happily, instead of this day-to-day battle that I’ve been living.
So here you are. The summer of transformation may be over, but I’m still in the cocoon.
Monday, August 10, 2009
MiTUNES
I am not perfect, nor do I strive to be. I am alive in this world of face-first falls and public breakdowns.
I had a revelation last night... so today, I'm feeling very empowered and independent. And I'm pretty happy, too. Apart from being hungry, actually, I'm pretty much perfect.
I've been rebooting my iTunes all day, because for one reason or another most of my music stopped working, and it was just easier to delete it all and start over.
I have also come to the conclusion that most people don't even bother reading this. Not that I mind, because I don't really write about anything interesting, but to those who have stuck with me, thanks :). You probably know me better than I know myself.
If anyone has any music they think I should listen to, now is the time to say so.....
=)
I had a revelation last night... so today, I'm feeling very empowered and independent. And I'm pretty happy, too. Apart from being hungry, actually, I'm pretty much perfect.
I've been rebooting my iTunes all day, because for one reason or another most of my music stopped working, and it was just easier to delete it all and start over.
I have also come to the conclusion that most people don't even bother reading this. Not that I mind, because I don't really write about anything interesting, but to those who have stuck with me, thanks :). You probably know me better than I know myself.
If anyone has any music they think I should listen to, now is the time to say so.....
=)
Friday, August 7, 2009
Insert Title Here
When I was in grade school, I had hardly any friends. When I say hardly any, I mean that I would have one or two at a time, knowing that they, too, eventually would realize what a loser I was (courtesy of the more popular children) and stop talking to me.
I guess that those experiences have caused me to go into a sort of lonely, depressed state from time to time when I hardly see any of my friends. I feel like I've been forgotten. Like despite what my friends and I have gone through, I am expendable. And though this feeling doesn't apply to all of my friends (My besties are the exception), I still feel a little less like a person and more like a memory to most people.
Maybe its just because its summer... But I can list ten people off of the top of my head that I haven't even spoken to this summer who, at the end of the school year, were still my good friends.
I guess I'm still feeling a little betrayed and bitter due to recent events anyways, and this whole detached from everybody feeling doesn't help. Maybe I'm just not meant to have a lot of friends. Maybe I should focus on the ones that acknowledge my existence from time to time.
ANYWAYS. Heres a few pictures of my summer...
FIRE PIT!
Lotte, mein leib.
The post-graduation feast.
Lauren Jumped in with all of her clothes on...
I guess that those experiences have caused me to go into a sort of lonely, depressed state from time to time when I hardly see any of my friends. I feel like I've been forgotten. Like despite what my friends and I have gone through, I am expendable. And though this feeling doesn't apply to all of my friends (My besties are the exception), I still feel a little less like a person and more like a memory to most people.
Maybe its just because its summer... But I can list ten people off of the top of my head that I haven't even spoken to this summer who, at the end of the school year, were still my good friends.
I guess I'm still feeling a little betrayed and bitter due to recent events anyways, and this whole detached from everybody feeling doesn't help. Maybe I'm just not meant to have a lot of friends. Maybe I should focus on the ones that acknowledge my existence from time to time.
ANYWAYS. Heres a few pictures of my summer...
FIRE PIT!
Lotte, mein leib.
The post-graduation feast.
Lauren Jumped in with all of her clothes on...
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Oh, strange mind of mine....
Does anyone have a dream dictionary?
Cause yesterday, after a perfectly normal, even somewhat happy day, I had an odd dream. First, in the dream, my laptop broke in half--severed between the screen and keyboard. And then my boyfriend cheated on me with a mutual friend. It was a weird dream, to say the least, and I really don't know what to think about it. I need to find out what the symbolism behind it is...
AH!
I also have this huge, uncomfortable feeling that I've changed a great deal in a short amount of time. Like I'm a completely different person all of a sudden. I'm not sure if I'm the only one who has noticed, though. Probably not.
JESSICAS BIRTHDAY TODAY!
Happy birthday, petite bebe'. 18. Glorious.
Sorry for my bitching...
Cause yesterday, after a perfectly normal, even somewhat happy day, I had an odd dream. First, in the dream, my laptop broke in half--severed between the screen and keyboard. And then my boyfriend cheated on me with a mutual friend. It was a weird dream, to say the least, and I really don't know what to think about it. I need to find out what the symbolism behind it is...
AH!
I also have this huge, uncomfortable feeling that I've changed a great deal in a short amount of time. Like I'm a completely different person all of a sudden. I'm not sure if I'm the only one who has noticed, though. Probably not.
JESSICAS BIRTHDAY TODAY!
Happy birthday, petite bebe'. 18. Glorious.
Sorry for my bitching...
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
This is the finale.
Get ready to clap.
Last 24 hours + me = WTF.
I mean it. I stepped on a lightbulb. Ow. I didn't ever realize I had such great blood flow in my feet. I won't see the boyfriend for like a month, maybe more.
Probably can't start college for another quarter.
Found AND lost my glasses.
I need to sleep. I really, really do. I feel like my life was just hit with a tsunami.
IM going to go watch SHUTTER!
oooOOOOOoooOOOoooohhhhhhh...
Last 24 hours + me = WTF.
I mean it. I stepped on a lightbulb. Ow. I didn't ever realize I had such great blood flow in my feet. I won't see the boyfriend for like a month, maybe more.
Probably can't start college for another quarter.
Found AND lost my glasses.
I need to sleep. I really, really do. I feel like my life was just hit with a tsunami.
IM going to go watch SHUTTER!
oooOOOOOoooOOOoooohhhhhhh...
Monday, July 20, 2009
Since when was I having a tough time?!
Seriously? All of a sudden, I'm not liking the way things are a little bit.
I mean I am happy, really. But there's an undertone that I don't like... it's a tiny bit like this isn't going to last. I'm probably just being paranoid, but I've been right about these things before.
I feel like if I don't clean my room soon, it's disorder is going to come to life and eat me. In Feng Shui, your room is a pretty good representation of your life. So I suppose not being able to see the floor or use most of my furniture regularly might not be the best idea.
I always start with laundry. But then I cant reach my dresser (which hardly functions in the first place) and so the clean, folded clothing eventually ends up on my bed, then the floor. I am talking piles... piles of random crap that I obviously don't use or I would always be looking for something.
So today...I'm doing the first step, Laundry. I have a bag of good will clothes, and I am showing no mercy. If I can't remember the last time I wore it, or I cant see myself wearing it within the next 6 months, it's gone. If anything about it is ripped, stained, or fraying, it's gone. If I only kept it to make someone not feel bad, it is.... you guessed it, outta here.
All garbage, dishes, and empty boxes will be removed immediately. My bookshelf will hold books and little else. DVDs will be in their case and on top of the television, along with the remote controls (if I can ever find them). Jewelry will be separated and hung somewhere I can easily reach them.
And finally, I will sweep the floor. The last touch?
I should probably hang my posters that have been slowly travelling in a box around my room for the last two or three years.
Then, and only then, will I let myself start my mural. My dream wall, the one I have wanted to paint at least since freshman year, if not longer.
NOW that I've outlined the rest of my week... I should probably get to it.
P.S. I just took a few 'before' pictures, but I feel sick to my stomach when I think about posting them until I have fabulous 'after' pictures that I can be proud of. So hopefully that will motivate me to clean faster.
:)
I mean I am happy, really. But there's an undertone that I don't like... it's a tiny bit like this isn't going to last. I'm probably just being paranoid, but I've been right about these things before.
I feel like if I don't clean my room soon, it's disorder is going to come to life and eat me. In Feng Shui, your room is a pretty good representation of your life. So I suppose not being able to see the floor or use most of my furniture regularly might not be the best idea.
I always start with laundry. But then I cant reach my dresser (which hardly functions in the first place) and so the clean, folded clothing eventually ends up on my bed, then the floor. I am talking piles... piles of random crap that I obviously don't use or I would always be looking for something.
So today...I'm doing the first step, Laundry. I have a bag of good will clothes, and I am showing no mercy. If I can't remember the last time I wore it, or I cant see myself wearing it within the next 6 months, it's gone. If anything about it is ripped, stained, or fraying, it's gone. If I only kept it to make someone not feel bad, it is.... you guessed it, outta here.
All garbage, dishes, and empty boxes will be removed immediately. My bookshelf will hold books and little else. DVDs will be in their case and on top of the television, along with the remote controls (if I can ever find them). Jewelry will be separated and hung somewhere I can easily reach them.
And finally, I will sweep the floor. The last touch?
I should probably hang my posters that have been slowly travelling in a box around my room for the last two or three years.
Then, and only then, will I let myself start my mural. My dream wall, the one I have wanted to paint at least since freshman year, if not longer.
NOW that I've outlined the rest of my week... I should probably get to it.
P.S. I just took a few 'before' pictures, but I feel sick to my stomach when I think about posting them until I have fabulous 'after' pictures that I can be proud of. So hopefully that will motivate me to clean faster.
:)
Saturday, July 18, 2009
AHHH!
Jessica is coming home today! JESSICAAAAA.
what a lovely name. Oh dear, I don't remember being so excited! Except for that one time.
AND today I get to help babysit 9 children. 9.
9.
:o
BUT THEN I GET TO SEE JESSICA!
You win some, you lose some.
And so, without further ado, here is a picture from graduation (finally).
We're the most attractive.
what a lovely name. Oh dear, I don't remember being so excited! Except for that one time.
AND today I get to help babysit 9 children. 9.
9.
:o
BUT THEN I GET TO SEE JESSICA!
You win some, you lose some.
And so, without further ado, here is a picture from graduation (finally).
We're the most attractive.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
I cannot write; I cannot think
This is ridiculous.
I KNOW where I want this story to go. I do. I know, for sure.
I KNOW where I am in this story.
I CAN'T WRITE IT. It has become impossible to communicate. Somewhere, in the long trek from my brain to my fingertips, my words are mangled and destroyed.
I EVEN HAVE AN OUTLINE. GRR.
2 pages in to chapter 12, and my book thinks it is over.
YES. IT THINKS.
Time for a nice, stiff coca-cola.
I KNOW where I want this story to go. I do. I know, for sure.
I KNOW where I am in this story.
I CAN'T WRITE IT. It has become impossible to communicate. Somewhere, in the long trek from my brain to my fingertips, my words are mangled and destroyed.
I EVEN HAVE AN OUTLINE. GRR.
2 pages in to chapter 12, and my book thinks it is over.
YES. IT THINKS.
Time for a nice, stiff coca-cola.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Its the American spirit.
I finished the 11th chapter in my book. I'm having a little trouble with the intro to the 12th, but Ill get there. Jessica read my entire story, 63 pages of it, and edited it. She put little notes in it which was completely awesome. So the version I will be posting is the edited version.
HARRY POTTER tonight! So excited.
I mostly just wanted to post this picture I took in Sandpoint. If you cant see it....its an old fashioned truck with a huge American flag on it...and a shower in the back. A SHOWER.
HAH. Everything they need, right there in the back of their truck.
HARRY POTTER tonight! So excited.
I mostly just wanted to post this picture I took in Sandpoint. If you cant see it....its an old fashioned truck with a huge American flag on it...and a shower in the back. A SHOWER.
HAH. Everything they need, right there in the back of their truck.
:)
Sunday, July 12, 2009
I feel like I just walked into Rocky Horror world...
Because the last few weeks have been really, REALLY weird.
HOLY CRAP have they been weird.
Seriously. I hardly even remember most of it. Just that they were freaky. And I guess I'm starting to be comfortable with a few changes, finally. I guess. If you can call this feeling comfortable. Maybe I'm more accepting than comfortable. We'll see.
I just woke up. This has been my pattern for the last week: Wake up semi-late, check Facebook, Check E-mail, Check Blogger. Eat some sort of food, probably leftovers from my mother and I's dinner the night before (We've been eating out a LOT), Shower/Bathe, ponder, Wait for people to come over, hang out with said people for a couple of hours, and sleep.
Holy SHIT my life is somewhat...boring right now, isn't it? Let's just say I am SO ready for college to start.
I had a dream last night about this fall. For some reason, Jessica didn't come back from France until early September, and we were all so very happy she was back. She told me she had texted me while she was away, but I had never gotten back to her...(Which is funny because her phone is, I think, still at her house...). It was odd. I can't remember the rest of the dream, but for some reason I think there was a scooter involved.
As for my book, well...I used my writing mood all the way from chapter 7 to chapter 11. I'm okay with that. I know I'll write more soon, I just need to let everything that has already happened settle. It's sort of like digesting food: If I eat too much, I'll be sick or blow up, but if I eat a couple of meals in a day and then sleep it off, I can eat more the next day.
BY THE WAY, I just started a blog, a new one, so I can post chapters of my story. Check it out: http://insanitys-companion.blogspot.com/
AND HAPPY LATE FOURTH EVERYONE. Too bad I was in SANDPOINT and we STILL werent allowed to use fireworks. What Bull.
The Picture to the right is the Tree of Life. Tattoo? Perhaps...
INDEED! Well, that's all for now, apparently. I'm going to go eat some breakfast, shower, and wait for a certain someone to come over :).
CHEERS! <3
HOLY CRAP have they been weird.
Seriously. I hardly even remember most of it. Just that they were freaky. And I guess I'm starting to be comfortable with a few changes, finally. I guess. If you can call this feeling comfortable. Maybe I'm more accepting than comfortable. We'll see.
I just woke up. This has been my pattern for the last week: Wake up semi-late, check Facebook, Check E-mail, Check Blogger. Eat some sort of food, probably leftovers from my mother and I's dinner the night before (We've been eating out a LOT), Shower/Bathe, ponder, Wait for people to come over, hang out with said people for a couple of hours, and sleep.
Holy SHIT my life is somewhat...boring right now, isn't it? Let's just say I am SO ready for college to start.
I had a dream last night about this fall. For some reason, Jessica didn't come back from France until early September, and we were all so very happy she was back. She told me she had texted me while she was away, but I had never gotten back to her...(Which is funny because her phone is, I think, still at her house...). It was odd. I can't remember the rest of the dream, but for some reason I think there was a scooter involved.
As for my book, well...I used my writing mood all the way from chapter 7 to chapter 11. I'm okay with that. I know I'll write more soon, I just need to let everything that has already happened settle. It's sort of like digesting food: If I eat too much, I'll be sick or blow up, but if I eat a couple of meals in a day and then sleep it off, I can eat more the next day.
BY THE WAY, I just started a blog, a new one, so I can post chapters of my story. Check it out: http://insanitys-companion.blogspot.com/
AND HAPPY LATE FOURTH EVERYONE. Too bad I was in SANDPOINT and we STILL werent allowed to use fireworks. What Bull.
The Picture to the right is the Tree of Life. Tattoo? Perhaps...
INDEED! Well, that's all for now, apparently. I'm going to go eat some breakfast, shower, and wait for a certain someone to come over :).
CHEERS! <3
Monday, July 6, 2009
My story
Ive decided to do it. Here, in my blog, I'm going to post the prologue to my story, to see what people think of it. BE HONEST.
Prologue
Insanity
In*san"i*ty\, n. [L. insanitas unsoundness; cf. insania insanity, F. insanite.]
1. The state of being insane; unsoundness or derangement of mind; madness; lunacy.
2. (Law) Such a mental condition, as, either from the existence of delusions, or from incapacity to distinguish between right and wrong, with regard to any matter under action, does away with individual responsibility.
Syn: Syn>- Insanity, Lunacy, Madness, Derangement, Aliention, Aberration, Mania, Delirium, Frenzy, Monomania, Dementia.
It started with a dream. That’s all. Just a sequence of images I happened to see while I was sleeping. It seems cliché, but that‘s the only beginning I can offer. It was dreaming that threw my life upside down. My life…was it my life? I’m still not sure. Am I living, even now? In spite of everything I understand at present, I can’t know for sure. I’ve learned, not to take anything for granted, and to never put your faith in anything, no matter how concrete it seems.
Being insane is slightly unsettling. Knowing you’re insane and having no idea what to do about it? Considerably more disturbing. It isn’t all hallucinations and fanatical suspicions. You start to wonder if everything you are seeing is a delusion, and if it is, you don’t want to even consider what is real. You can’t tell anyone the things you see because you dread their reaction, and the possibility of having someone else tell you how crazy you are is equally horrific. Eventually, you feel like no one else is sane, because you know that what you’ve seen and heard is real.
But still, no one else sees what you see, even the people you love. Despite your friend’s and family’s love for you, that could previously accept all of your past flaws, there are things that can overcome love. And you realize the most important thing; crazy or not, these people are afraid of you. And what has humanity always done to those of us they are scared of?
They lock us away.
(Tell me what you think.)
Prologue
Insanity
In*san"i*ty\, n. [L. insanitas unsoundness; cf. insania insanity, F. insanite.]
1. The state of being insane; unsoundness or derangement of mind; madness; lunacy.
2. (Law) Such a mental condition, as, either from the existence of delusions, or from incapacity to distinguish between right and wrong, with regard to any matter under action, does away with individual responsibility.
Syn: Syn>- Insanity, Lunacy, Madness, Derangement, Aliention, Aberration, Mania, Delirium, Frenzy, Monomania, Dementia.
It started with a dream. That’s all. Just a sequence of images I happened to see while I was sleeping. It seems cliché, but that‘s the only beginning I can offer. It was dreaming that threw my life upside down. My life…was it my life? I’m still not sure. Am I living, even now? In spite of everything I understand at present, I can’t know for sure. I’ve learned, not to take anything for granted, and to never put your faith in anything, no matter how concrete it seems.
Being insane is slightly unsettling. Knowing you’re insane and having no idea what to do about it? Considerably more disturbing. It isn’t all hallucinations and fanatical suspicions. You start to wonder if everything you are seeing is a delusion, and if it is, you don’t want to even consider what is real. You can’t tell anyone the things you see because you dread their reaction, and the possibility of having someone else tell you how crazy you are is equally horrific. Eventually, you feel like no one else is sane, because you know that what you’ve seen and heard is real.
But still, no one else sees what you see, even the people you love. Despite your friend’s and family’s love for you, that could previously accept all of your past flaws, there are things that can overcome love. And you realize the most important thing; crazy or not, these people are afraid of you. And what has humanity always done to those of us they are scared of?
They lock us away.
(Tell me what you think.)
Friday, July 3, 2009
Here I am, writing again...
You know, I really think writing in a blog about how I have writers block has proven to be an excellent cure.
There I was, "complaincomplaincomplain", and then SNAP, as soon as I posted that last, angry little installment damning Power-Writing to hell and back, I produced almost two chapters in my book.
So, as I start to lose my almost unquenchable urge to write, I feel like I have to post something before Bernadette Foster and Dr. Sharpe's adventures cease to exist (to me, anyways).
Right now I'm at a point in the book where I feel like it would be far too soon to bring a few things out in the open, but also that if I don't the book will become a monotonous pile of garbage. What to do, what to do.... I think I'll compose a list of things that NEED to happen and things that have already happened.
OH, and if I know you and you are reading this and would like to read my story, hit me up ;).
There I was, "complaincomplaincomplain", and then SNAP, as soon as I posted that last, angry little installment damning Power-Writing to hell and back, I produced almost two chapters in my book.
So, as I start to lose my almost unquenchable urge to write, I feel like I have to post something before Bernadette Foster and Dr. Sharpe's adventures cease to exist (to me, anyways).
Right now I'm at a point in the book where I feel like it would be far too soon to bring a few things out in the open, but also that if I don't the book will become a monotonous pile of garbage. What to do, what to do.... I think I'll compose a list of things that NEED to happen and things that have already happened.
OH, and if I know you and you are reading this and would like to read my story, hit me up ;).
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
On TALL tales...
You know, I started to write a blog about the last week or so, but failed to post it. SO I'll post when I feel like it, and no one can stop me.
I really, really, really need to keep writing in my story. I have about 8 chapters now (I think) and what would be the point of all of that wasted time and creativity if I stopped now?
I desperately want to finish it, but I cant seem to figure out how to get from point A to point B, then from point B to point C. I know everything I want to happen in the story. Start to finish. But when I try to write it: no dialog, no descriptions. Nothing.
I wish I had the patience to just deal with it and be a writer. Maybe part of me doesn't want to write it, because I don't think people would like my ideas. Maybe I don't want to finish it, because I feel like the whole thing will be pointless.
I THINK POWER-WRITING F@!%#* UP MY CREATIVITY!!!
Stupid Middle-School and your stupid English class requirements.
I really, really, really need to keep writing in my story. I have about 8 chapters now (I think) and what would be the point of all of that wasted time and creativity if I stopped now?
I desperately want to finish it, but I cant seem to figure out how to get from point A to point B, then from point B to point C. I know everything I want to happen in the story. Start to finish. But when I try to write it: no dialog, no descriptions. Nothing.
I wish I had the patience to just deal with it and be a writer. Maybe part of me doesn't want to write it, because I don't think people would like my ideas. Maybe I don't want to finish it, because I feel like the whole thing will be pointless.
I THINK POWER-WRITING F@!%#* UP MY CREATIVITY!!!
Stupid Middle-School and your stupid English class requirements.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Maybe its just me, but...
Doesn't it seem like we are always waiting for something? I mean, near the end of school, everyone says that life will be just a little bit better, a little easier, when everyone is graduated and all grown up, going off to college.
But then, look what else we tell ourselves. Things will be better and easier, and everyone will feel more complete, when we have jobs doing something we want to do. Then when we get married. Maybe when we have kids. Buying a house will surely change things. Make sure the kids are going to college.
My point, if you didn't get it, is that we spend most of our lives waiting to be happier because of whatever happens next. We focus so much on the future, and our future happiness, that we waste all of the time that we could have just sat down and realized how much we have achieved, and how little we need to get married, buy a house, or settle down.
One of my best friends woke me up this morning with a phone call, and through talking to her, I realized that I don't need anything to make me happy. I don't need to get married or have kids, buy a house, or do anything to MAKE myself happier. I have no reason to not be happy where I am right now; 18 years old, fresh from high school, healthy, free, and able to do anything with my life.
Im feeling extremely grateful for breathing, today, if you can't tell. So, I've decided that I'm going to focus on making sure I am always able to recognize where I am in life and always be able to just accept it. And, through that, I'll let myself be happy NOW, before I'm 80 and have practiced a lifetime of, "Well, when this happens, I'll be happier." Cause of course, no I won't. I'll just be waiting for the next change.
I think I'll become a monk.... Yeah....a monk's life is the life for me ;). <3
But then, look what else we tell ourselves. Things will be better and easier, and everyone will feel more complete, when we have jobs doing something we want to do. Then when we get married. Maybe when we have kids. Buying a house will surely change things. Make sure the kids are going to college.
My point, if you didn't get it, is that we spend most of our lives waiting to be happier because of whatever happens next. We focus so much on the future, and our future happiness, that we waste all of the time that we could have just sat down and realized how much we have achieved, and how little we need to get married, buy a house, or settle down.
One of my best friends woke me up this morning with a phone call, and through talking to her, I realized that I don't need anything to make me happy. I don't need to get married or have kids, buy a house, or do anything to MAKE myself happier. I have no reason to not be happy where I am right now; 18 years old, fresh from high school, healthy, free, and able to do anything with my life.
Im feeling extremely grateful for breathing, today, if you can't tell. So, I've decided that I'm going to focus on making sure I am always able to recognize where I am in life and always be able to just accept it. And, through that, I'll let myself be happy NOW, before I'm 80 and have practiced a lifetime of, "Well, when this happens, I'll be happier." Cause of course, no I won't. I'll just be waiting for the next change.
I think I'll become a monk.... Yeah....a monk's life is the life for me ;). <3 Thursday, June 25, 2009
Yikes....
...
Not that anyone really reads my blog. I think I'll start telling people about it. Then maybe I'll write more. So I'll start this entry, I suppose, by going over recent happenings in my life.
Since my last post, I:
-Lost my grandfather.
-Graduated from High School.
-Wrote 8 chapters of a novel that will most likely never even come within a one-mile radius of a publishing house.
-Cleaned (and then re-demolished) my room, several times.
-Lost my camera cord for two months, and then found it this afternoon.
-Began my own spiritual journey.
-To cross off of my 'To do before I die' list: Pet a wolf, Direct a play (two, actually!).
-Went to Prom
-Went to Prom
And all of this happened in the last five months. And now I've moved on from all of that. I'll be starting college in the fall, will live here with my mother for two more years, and eventually move to the coast, to my little piece of heaven. I actually just came back from a trip to the ocean, and hadn't actually been to the water since I was a kid. There is something extremely....calming and cleansing about the ocean, something that I can't really find on land or near a lake.
While I was there, I collected about a dozen perfect shells. Then something happened that nearly broke my heart: All of my shells went missing. The bag they were in vanished, and there wasn't a trace of where they could have gone. I was so upset I could hardly keep from crying, and that made me feel even more ridiculous. But I realized why I was so upset: Those shells were my little piece of the ocean, of peace, of feeling lighter and more whole than I have felt in months. And then it was just gone, almost like it was stolen from me. Its stupid, but its the only sense I can make of my reaction to losing a bag of virtually value-less material that I just picked up.
Also, graduating from high school has proven to be a pointless, cruel, revolting task that just proves how stupid the school system really is. I'm an 18 year old girl, a legal adult in the United States. In society's eyes, I'm at the age that I should be able to move out, get a job, stop being a burden on my parent and support myself.
And let me tell you, I can't support myself with the skills I learned in high school. I have enough life training to get a minimum wage job, which could NOT support me living away from home, unless I had two or three of these crappy minimum wage jobs, which wouldn't exactly allow me the time or energy to go to school to get the training I would need in order to find myself an ACTUAL job.
In high school, I did learn some very valuable and useful things. I learned to be offensive while walking down a crowded hallway of hormonal teenagers. I learned to lock my valuables in a safe place. I learned that foreign language is, in fact, foreign, and that you need to speak it pretty constantly to learn it well. Taco Bell is open late, and is necessary for survival. I learned that people are generally self-conscious more often than they are conscious of others, so it doesn't really matter to most of them if you look like you were just hit by a semi. Showering is probably a good idea. Friends are more important and less of a hassle than romance.
See? Probably a little more than that, but you get the general idea. All of the time spent learning things that I will never use again, all of the math and science, could have been used learning skills that I will actually need later, for whatever career I decide on. What a waste of time! Seriously!
There's my little spiel about high school. Ill never mention it again. :) SO here is my second blog, and tomorrow Ill write something more entertaining and less pointless.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
This is Blog number 1
My new years resolution: keep a weekly blog.
I think I've done very well, considering.
I mean, I've THOUGHT about finally posting each week.
Really, I have.
...
I'm really not sure what I want to use this for, anyways. I mean, I want to be consistent about something, because I'm not consistent about anything else. I need this to be my anchor. I think it could be interesting. For a while I had imagined being a writer. But I really think my future lies somewhere else.
Well, since this whole blog idea was born on New Years, maybe I'll start there. I missed out on writing my yearly blog on the first. I had even sat down with my laptop, ready to write. But nothing came out. I finally pushed it aside and said I would do it later, but I never came back to it, and I just realized why. I had nothing to say about last year. Its funny, but when a lot of things happen, traumatic or awesome, heartbreaking or heartwarming, sometimes there's just not much to say. I could write about everything that happened in 2008, but not only would that bore you, it would do nothing for me. I don't see the point. Re-living the past wouldn't help me grow; I've overcome those obstacles.
Still, I wonder what that means for me now. I've carried some things over the border with me from 2008. Does that mean that nothing significant enough for me to want now happened? Because I feel like that sometimes. Like I could have skipped last year. Like I could have started fresh with this one.
I don't know, maybe I just need to look at things from another perspective. But I barely see last year as a year from my life. Its like it happened, then someone took all of the pictures and photo shopped my face into them. I remember it, but not like I remember 6th grade, or sophomore year, or even my 8th grade social. I was there, but I wasn't really present for most of it.
So that's my plan I guess. Maybe I think by writing and documenting this year I can look at it later, and maybe I'll remember it from my own perspective, instead of a stranger's.
I think I've done very well, considering.
I mean, I've THOUGHT about finally posting each week.
Really, I have.
...
I'm really not sure what I want to use this for, anyways. I mean, I want to be consistent about something, because I'm not consistent about anything else. I need this to be my anchor. I think it could be interesting. For a while I had imagined being a writer. But I really think my future lies somewhere else.
Well, since this whole blog idea was born on New Years, maybe I'll start there. I missed out on writing my yearly blog on the first. I had even sat down with my laptop, ready to write. But nothing came out. I finally pushed it aside and said I would do it later, but I never came back to it, and I just realized why. I had nothing to say about last year. Its funny, but when a lot of things happen, traumatic or awesome, heartbreaking or heartwarming, sometimes there's just not much to say. I could write about everything that happened in 2008, but not only would that bore you, it would do nothing for me. I don't see the point. Re-living the past wouldn't help me grow; I've overcome those obstacles.
Still, I wonder what that means for me now. I've carried some things over the border with me from 2008. Does that mean that nothing significant enough for me to want now happened? Because I feel like that sometimes. Like I could have skipped last year. Like I could have started fresh with this one.
I don't know, maybe I just need to look at things from another perspective. But I barely see last year as a year from my life. Its like it happened, then someone took all of the pictures and photo shopped my face into them. I remember it, but not like I remember 6th grade, or sophomore year, or even my 8th grade social. I was there, but I wasn't really present for most of it.
So that's my plan I guess. Maybe I think by writing and documenting this year I can look at it later, and maybe I'll remember it from my own perspective, instead of a stranger's.
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